Dread

It's August in California's

Sierra Nevada mountains.
Green and gold and wildlife
reign. Bluest skies. You're
11 years old. You think of
September and school
and cold ball bearings
gather in your guts: dread.

It's July, same place.
You're sixteen, working
at your uncle's gravel
plant. He's often enraged
at life. He scares you.
Every workday morning,
carrying a gray lunch pail,
you walk slowly, as if
condemned, from your home,
up a dirt road
to the rock crusher.

It's more than five
decades later & you're
lying on a bed
in an operating room
lit up like a stage.
You stare at an
unspeaking semi-circle
of technicians
and nurses, waiting.

No one's given you
the drugs yet. The
surgeon won't enter
until you're under the sea.
Suddenly the sun-bright
lamps trigger a panic
attack, and you feel like
leaping up to flee. You
tell yourself, "Suck it
up," as a man you met
once is about to drill
a hole in your skull,
and go with tools
into your brain, your you.

hans ostrom 2024

The Mountains Taught

They protected you with danger,

those High Sierra Mountains.

Cliffs and snakes, rockslides,

flooded rivers, icy narrow

twisting highways, dirt

roads cut casually into hills,

hours between you and a

doctor or hospital. Chainsaws,

knives, guns, lightning,

freezing temperatures. 

Wherever you went, 

whatever you did, you kept

caution in your pocket

like a talisman. You quickly

came to equate useless

risk with lack of thought,

not with bravery. 

Hans Ostrom 2024

The Forest Belongs to the Forest

Inside a cabin

surrounded by Sierra forest,
we watch creatures
outside look at and into
the cabin. Sauntering,

nibbling grass, a doe
and two fawns stare
at us through a window.

Same goes for pine
squirrels, who leap
from tree to tree;
and for ground squirrels,
with their white
collars and flea-bedeviled
fur. And Steller's jays,
corvids with deep blue
bodies and black heads
& wild-mad-laugh cackles.

And at evening, a bear,
chief executive of the woods,
walks past, sniffing, slobbering,
almost not bothering
to look toward us.

hans ostrom 2023

Crossing the Sierra Valley

Rolling through the scuffed

micro-towns of Vinton and Chilcoot,
we get to a panorama
of the Sierra Valley--biggest
high-altitude plain in these mountains.

Golden light that's slipped past
thunderheads makes the Valley
glow like a cathedral floor. Now
the thunderheads drape blue
curtains of showers on
surrounding mountains.

We'll cross the Valley, then
take the highway's snaking
curves up a thousand feet
to Yuba Pass & from there
weave down to where the giant
blue massif of rock, the Sierra
Buttes, presents itself &
when I see it, I get a home

feeling even though I haven't
lived there for decades. I'm glad,
so glad, to see pockets of snow
up there in August.

hans ostrom

The Golden Butterfly

In an old Gold Rush town's cemetery

on a hillside, summer, we were building
a cinder block enclosure for a family plot.

I stood up for a moment
to unkink the back and gazed
from the shade of the big
graveyard oaks, down the hill
to where brilliant sunlight shown.

I saw a golden butterfly
take its lazy, jagged, jazzy
flight into the light
and finally out of my vision.
Back to work.

The image has lived with me
since then, alighting like a butterfly
on a tall flower, lowering and lifting
its stiff, patterned wings,
trying to defy time.

July: North Yuba River

on the North Yuba River

after wheeling mortar

& carrying rocks all day.

wading, casting a fly--

an old tippet coachman

pattern: white goose

wings, peacock feather

body, black-and-orange

tail. rainbow fly for

rainbow trout. canyon getting

blue. your work-shirt

stinks fine, same for

trout-slimed creel. 

lungs of the canyon

draw air past pines

and oaks. the current

knocks against your

legs like a baby goat.

rush of life never never

stops. here you can pause,

know sufficient peace

and privilege in your life.

plenty of fish in the creel--

maybe breakfast tomorrow.

you stay knee-deep in the flow

for the cool, for the quiet

before the day's door 

closes. now in shadow,

bugs hatch and swarm

biblically. trout leap

in jubilee. reel it in.

stick the fly in cork.

listen. riverside, open

and clean the fish, leave

guts for raccoons. climb

up and out, slipping on shale,

grunting. finally up, winded,

standing next to Highway

49's warm asphalt. no cars

now. tourists in the campground,

town people home or at 

the bar. walk in soaked

jeans and boots up to

the old battered car. 

creel in the trunk. grunt

getting in. start her up.

home in less than a mile.

July mountain air sweet

after heat of day. thanks. 

hans ostrom 2022

I Say Gray Boulder

(revised a bit)

I say that gray boulder will always be

there, knowing it won't be--but not until

I am no longer. I say it because

I need at least a stone to stay

there, where it sits in my mind,

which needs rock to be more

than memory. Mind wearies of its

memories, its common stock. That

gray boulder's under cedars.

I sat on it, age six, and sank into

the sea of sight, thought,

light, impulse--that sensation all children

know but don't know they will lose.

I say "that gray boulder," and I know.

I say "gray boulder" and I smile.

hans ostrom 2021

Plump Skink I Think

I was used to skinks
from the Sierra Nevada--
thin lizards, flashes
of liquid blue and black,
gone to brush in a blink.

So this gray-brown,
blue-tongued skink
I saw draped over
a zoo-keeper's hand
had me staring. Body
like an obese gila monster's.
Chubby back legs. Tiny
forward flailings were
only almost arms. Blue
Tongue had a mock-croc
top of the head, sincere
eyes, and--from an unseen
place of coiling, a long
lingual lariat of blue, a book-mark
in one of Evolution's
favorite volumes.

That tongue, it scares
off predators. Mr. BT
cracked that azure whip
a lot and spun its almost-
arms. Protested in
the zoo-keeper's soft hand.
To no avail. He became morose.
So did we. Empathy.
We moved on and the keeper
returned BT to small
heaven of privacy somewhere
on the grounds, somewhere
in the millions of skink years.


hans ostrom 2020

Scene Blue and Green

The scene is blue and green.
Blue like shadow indigo.
Green like pine and fir tree
boughs. Blue and green cover

tall roughly rounded mountains,
ravines between. Air
is almost too fresh to be
other than cherished. The day

is cold and gray. You are cold,
not gray. You see a mist-fog
rise from a quick narrow river
into mountains and ravines,
into green and blue. You think,

the scene is not officially
beautiful, commodity pretty,
but to you superb. You feel

the scene insinuating sadness,
wielding power. Grief
and irrevocable loneliness
seem involved. You
want to go in and get warm
but not enough to leave
the scene of seeing blue and green.


hans ostrom 2020

Palomino Summer

I drank and drank and drank
sunshine.

                I walked down
powder-dust ruts of an uncle's
dirt road and found that palomino.

Blond horse, quick as fragrance. Blond
summer, baking brown mud. Blond
grass, insane with grasshoppers.
Brown me in the the midst,

palomino's mane brushing my arms
in the rush of gallop. In the woods
next to the ranch, rattlesnakes

coiled, field mice inside them.
Pine trees leaned toward
the pasture I rode in.


hans ostrom 2019

Lichen, Sierra Nevada

pale green lichen
on blue rocks, top of mountain.
a patient form of life.


Hans Ostrom

sierra nevada

sierra nevada see
air over nevada
serrated novena
snow sloughed redoubt

quartz veins in diorite
and granite, vanity
goes viral for gold
blast rock haul ore

or give up. for it is
written it shall be
hidden, gold generally
hides in specific gravity

gravely. washo and maidu
watched euro-waves crash
flash in the pans & rockers
sheer face of bluffs onlooked


hans ostrom 2018

Hawks Don't Often Perch That Low

A hawk, bedecked in variegated
brown feathers, had parked on a low,
thick fence post. I walked by on
a muddy road. The hawk ignored

me, also two horses grazing in rain.
What did domestication and the
privileges of an American horse
farm have to do with his carved

beak and mythic talons? Just before
the bird leaned forward, pre-flight,
I squinted to see through rain
and wondered what a hawk's

thought looks like. The gone
hawk left that topic open,
and I went on plodding
down the sodden road.


hans ostrom 2018

Allegory at Alpine Elevation

You're standing outside in the dark.
In the mountains, alpine elevation.
The cold wind's blowing hard enough
to keep the crust on the snow,
and to blur your vision, so the stars
seem momentarily to reel.

You say a word, any word,
to yourself but out loud. Wind
takes it from your mouth so fast
the word never gets fully formed.
All evidence of your having
spoken vanishes. You recognize

what has happened as the briefest
allegory about ego's status
in the flow of matter. You go
back inside. You're glad for the
warmth. Still the light and things
inside seem trivial and doomed.
You feel embarrassed for them.



hans ostrom 2017

Nymphs

Well, that's a gnarled word. Six consonants
invite tongue, teeth, larynx, lips, and roof
of mouth to a pronunciation party. Awkward!

Now, about those wood nymphs. I've invested
much time-capital in the woods, which
are always a going concern. I earned
a nymph-sighting. You'd think so, anyway.
But, no.  Just squirrels, rattlesnakes, deer . . . .

And then: nymphomaniac. That got flung
around last century. It seemed to have
expressed either male fantasies of a pulp-
fiction kind or pseudo-scientific, puritanical
indictments of women who had sex, if
they did, but that was their business,
so what the hell?  One ministry

of fishing flies goes by the nymph name,
meant to mimic gnats, mosquitoes, and other
tiny hatchers. You unhook the nymph
from the caught trout, and before you release
the fish back into flow, you think you know
what that frowning face suggests:
Is this sport-fishing really necessary?

That's the problem with mythology. Sooner
or later, it disappoints everybody, among others.


hans ostrom 2017

Kildeer

("The flight of the Kildeer is strong and rapid, and is at times protracted to a great distance. It skims quite low over the ground, or plays at a great height in the air, particularly during the love season, when you may see these birds performing all sorts of evolutions on wing."  audobon.org)

Kildeers, about the size of flickers,
screamed across the pasture, summers.
Their shrieks were very fine, accomplished,
their low, straight routes efficient.

Thank God I didn't try to make them
symbolize or teach: what a bore,
a lugubrious Wordsworthian chore. 
No. Just the kildeers, fast fliers,

loud criers, going fast from copse
of oaks to stand of pines. 


hans ostrom 2017

Free-Radical Yearning

Sunlight just
before dusk
adds gold to fir trees'
green--shadows
in the boughs, dark lapis.

And sky's color
behind is at its palest
blue all day. I've
seen this burnished image,
only slightly varied,

hundreds of times
in the Sierra, in Sweden
and Germany, in
Istanbul and the Pacific
Northwest.

When it soaks in,
it always generates
a slow longing,

an impersonal sadness
involved with grandeur,
peace, and hope--all
far, far out of reach.

The heart, as we call
that mental zone, pretends
to want to ask the trees
to stay in that light,
beg the scene never to leave.

The question's
really a way to savor the mild
spiritual soreness, this
free-radical yearning,
this old, old emotion
which even other species
of hominid felt,
drawing from an immense,
invisible psychic lake.



hans ostrom 2017

Millipedes and Words

Those armored locomotive tubes,
millipedes, lived with us, resting
on cool cinder-block walls
in our tomb-like living room.

We left them alone unless guests
were expected. (You know how
guests are.) Otherwise, they stank
too much to mess with, excreting

hydrogen cyanide, and their
innards were too awfully, softly
much. (I killed one in the bathroom
once.) If we'd lived in Thailand, say,

where millipedes aspire to be snakes
then some frontier shit would have
gone down. Since they were only of
several purple-brown inches, co-

habitation worked satisfactorily.
This arrangement was decided
silently, no family discussion
(the horror). Words were to be spent
on work, hilarity, or arguments.



hans ostrom 2017

Haypress Creek Was Other

One reason you liked hiking up
around Haypress Creek was that
the woods were of full of naturally
selected life that went about
its business independent of you.
Sure, you and the woods &
the creatures there shared
oxygen and C oh two,
and bear or deer or snake
or squirrel might get in
your sight-line and you
in theirs. The pleasure

though came from disconnection,
guarded fascination. Curiosity.
The woods were other, light, and
deeply intricate. Some shitheads

built a dam on Haypress Creek
and added miles of pipe.
Hydraulic electricity. All
things were now connected.
The shitheads had seen
to that. You never hiked up there again.
Other had been disrupted.
Absurdly, you felt ashamed
and couldn't face the woods there.
A stupid Wordsworthian emotion,
useless.


hans ostrom 2015

"The Cabin at Lavezolla Creek," by Hans Ostrom

When we built the Jones cabin
up Lavezolla Creek, summer,
Sierra Nevada, we left home
in the loaded pickup and worked
ten-hour days. The droning drive
in the '69 Ford F-100
took an hour one way.

The Old Man was nearing 60 years
then. At noon he'd take a cat-nap
on the plywood sub-floor, his silver
lunch-bucket the pillow, his hat
over his eyes. Snored. I remember
something like pity arising in me.
Now I'm sixty, the Old Man's been dead
a long time, and I ended up with
the green Ford pickup, which people
think is "cool." The recall

of bright summer, big conifers,
the quick creek, and work to make
you bone tired seems now like
something that will disappear soon,
like a butterfly or pine-pollen
floating in lustrous air. These tributary
memories that shape our maps
of ourselves disappear as we do.
No one will remember that the Old Man
and I were the crew.



hans ostrom 2014